What have I outgrown?

Pretty much my entire worldview.

One of WriteHere’s prompts for this week asked what I have outgrown.

My answer to that is: pretty much my entire worldview…but it didn’t happen overnight.

Phase 1 of my worldview change: late 2017. In late 2017, it had been two years since my husband died. I was a way bigger mess than I’d been at the one year mark. Many people who lose close loved ones at an uncommon time, like in my case, when I was still in the midst of raising kids with this man, can tell you a simar story. Year One was all about survival. Autopilot.

Many of us, almost on the very first day of Year Two, break down when we realize that this thing hasn’t gotten any easier yet, and it has felt like an eternity. My mind just snapped. I was phobic about going crazy…worried that my feelings of deep sadness and anger were going to trigger a psychotic break…or worse, that I was already having one.

My drinking prewidowhood was almost nonexistant. I didn’t like how it made me feel like wasn’t in control of my feelings. Once I started fearing terrifying nightmares and nights alone when I was really scared triggered more drinking, and the fondness for how the booze muffled the intensity of my grief triggered even more.

My middle child, being all of five, made me realize I was missing the best parts of motherhood one night when she was consoling me for being very sad. I was in treatment within a week.